I can't believe I missed masturbation month.

And it's May! The month of my birth! I really should have known about this. And I should have been in San Francisco.

(It's not an incredible shame, because it's not like I wait for masturbation month to buff the muffin..but still.)

Anyway, I thought I'd do a little belated tribute in honor of it.

Male Masturbation

Futhermore

Et cetera

Euphemisms

Female Masturbation

Furthermore

Et cetera

Euphemisms


Mmmm. And now to finish the rest of the tribute in bed.

Third time's the charm.

Three names you go by:
Kanelmus (Swedish for "cinnamon mouse")
Ginger
Babe

Three things you like about yourself:
My hair
My eyes
My libido

Three things you dislike about yourself:
My insecurity
My cellulite
My boobs in their natural state

Three things that scare you:
Bears
Stormy seas
Abandonment


Three of your everyday essentials:
A hot shower
The Internet
An orgasm

Three things you are wearing right now:
Dangly earrings
A sexy brown tank
Hot jeans

Three favourite bands/artists of the moment:
Sufjan Stevens
Morningwood
Oasis

Three of your favourite songs of the moment:
Love Like a Bomb, Oasis
Twist, Goldfrapp
Bad Touch, Bloodhound Gang

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Sex on the beach, at camp
Using my pool/gym membership more often
College

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Passion
Fun
Empathy

Two truths and a lie (you can guess which is which):
I have had fifteen orgasms in a row, at a concert
I've never had a steady job
I have a scar on my finger from trying to peel a banana with a knife

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeal to you:
Hair
Hands
Shoulders

Three things you just can't do:
Curl my tongue
Cry at funerals
Enjoy mayonnaise

Three of your favourite hobbies:
Reading
Singing anywhere
Picking out new vibrators

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Fuck The Boyfriend
Eat some Temptation melon (mmm)
Fuck The Boyfriend some more

Three careers you're considering:
Massage therapist
Commercial Airline Pilot
Mortician

Three places you want to go on holiday:
The U.K.
Romania
French Polynesia

Three things you want to do before you die:
Travel everywhere I can
Go hang gliding
Live happily

Notes from The Boyfriend.

Me: Sooooo...

I got bored today and tired of looking all scrubby "down there." So around eleven (PM) I hopped in the shower and shaved it all off.

Usually I'm not into that sort of thing because it looks too pre-pubescent. And it looks really strange from above (my vantage point).

But it looks fantastic when I spread my legs...

And it's so silky when I touch myself..

And every little sensation (silk, for example, or water) is magnified five times.

DAMN I wish you were here. You wouldn't get hair in your mouth, and I would have one rockin' orgasm.

Him: Is it bad to be perpetually turned on like i am? all i have to do is revisit any of these messages or your letters and it's all over (my restraint, that is)

i want you on your back, arched in the air, feebly grabbing on to the nearest solid object, quivering in pleasure.

i want you to be shaking uncontrollably, penetrated completely, no spot of you left unchecked.

i want your sweat dripping off your breasts as i thrust into you over and over again.

i want you blind with passion, lost completely in the sensation of being owned completely.

i want there to be no thought in your head at all, save how utterly fantastic it feels.

and afterwards, i want you to collapse, exhausted, into a deep sleep, dreaming about every detail of what just happened.

and then i want you to wake up and want it all over again.

Naked!

Yep.

I am bare down there.

And I LOVE it!!

From up above (my vantage point) it looks rather odd, but from the front and to the touch it's fan-fucking-tastic. Yesssssssssssss.

It's like having worn a giant parka everywhere, and finally getting to take it off.

(Not that I'll permanently abandon fuzz. This is just pretty darn fun.)

Operation: Porn Star.

I am preparing to trim my bikini line.

Actually..

I'm preparing to shave my pubic hair. All of it. Off.

It's been getting on my nerves lately, just looking scrubby and unkempt, and I haven't been completely smooth for a long time. Partly because I'm too lazy, partly because I like a little fuzz, but mostly because I don't think little girls are a turn-on.

But it's summer and I'm hot.

Away with it!

So there!

For a long time I've wanted to get a nipple piercing, either for both or just the left nipple. But everybody's been telling me, "Nooo! When you have a baby, the milk will gush out the sides of your nipple!"

Utter bollocks, according to Wikipedia.

Nipple piercing and breastfeeding

There is a common question among women who consider nipple piercings, and that question is how it may affect breastfeeding. There is no evidence that proper nipple piercings cause any complications with lactation. However, it is recommended that good care is taken to prevent infection by using a piercing professional and good body piercing aftercare. Frequent re-piercings can also damage the nipple and cause complications. It is also recommended that the piercing be healed before breastfeeding. Most body piercing professionals will refuse to pierce a pregnant woman for this reason, and because piercing causes unnecessary stress on the body that could potentially complicate a pregnancy.

Several complications have been noted involving breastfeeding with a piercing present, so it is recommended to remove nipple jewelry before nursing.

Several women who do not remove nipple jewelry before nursing observe the following problems:

• Poor latch
  
• Babies frequently coming on and off the breast
• Slurping
• Gagging
• Milk leaking from the baby's mouth

It is also a potential choking hazard for the baby. As the baby sucks, the jewelry could come loose and lodge in the throat. The baby's gums and tongue as well as the soft and hard palate could be injured by the jewelry.

So obviously, I'll just take the darn thing out when I become pregnant. Ha!

How to go down on a woman.

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Princely.

Gallant also looks fun...

The PERFECT companion.

So, I got my new vibe in the mail yesterday. I was all excited, and impressed that the box it came in didn't betray where it came from (making it much easier to keep that information from my family). I took the mini Heartbreaker out, and the packaging is SO chic. It didn't come with batteries (luckily I had AAAs of my own), but it did have some toy lube.

I popped the batteries in, capped the bottom, and was surprised and delighted at the delicious vibration that came alive in my hand.

That is, until the + and - buttons utterly failed to work. Couldn't turn it up or down or to the pulse mode, and couldn't turn it off unless the batteries came out. I was very disappointed and sent an email to Babeland. Haven't gotten a reply yet. If they tell me it's defective, I don't know whether I'll have them replace it with the same or return it, get a refund, and spend a little more for this, the Sinnflut Intensity. Abso-fucking-lutely beautiful. Love the color scheme. Certainly looks worth it. And I've got the money. I just don't know if I want to spend $150 on a toy that's not exactly subtle. Hmm.

Sure has great stats, though. And I remember looking at it in the actual store and finding it appealing.

"The subtle textures of this silicone marvel will feel silky smooth against your clit or G-spot. It took the sex/tech geeks at Fun Factory to build the perfect vibrator: the cleverly designed Sinnflut Intensity offers a powerful electric motor, resilient silicone shaft, multiple speeds and pulse modes, and a completely waterproof body. Because it's rechargeable, there are no cords to contend with — simply slip your toy into the docking station when you're fully satiated. The Sinnflut Intensity edition features subtly textured waves, a smooth tip, and a slight curve for those who like subtle G-spot stimulation. Red or white.

Size: 6 insertable inches long, 1-1/2 inches in diameter
Material: Silicone
Texture: Rippled and firm
Shape: Non-realistic
Waterproof: Yes
Vibration Settings: Variable speeds and pulse modes
Strength: 2 to 4, depending on setting
Pitch: Medium-pitch buzz
Volume: 2 "

I'd like to know whether I can actually climax from anything vibrating besides clitoral stimulation, first. I need something dirt cheap but effective. Unfortunately, nothing fits that criteria. If only I could buy something, "wear it with the tags on," and then return it.

No such luck.

Mock cock in a croc purse?

Sounds good to me.

Babeland's Mock Croc Toy Tote, mmm. I need red.

"Impress your playdate and up your fashion quotient by stashing your sex toys in this sleek and stylish Mock Croc Toy Tote - much sexier than lugging them around in a brown paper bag. Comes with a lock and key to ensure privacy, and room enough for a wand vibe or paddle, with stash space left over for lube, dildos, and even undies and a toothbrush."

Five different things.

List 5 imperfections that you find annoying, but could or have learned to live with. These are NOT deal breakers, but they are irritating and annoying. But if your 8 perfect characteristics were met, you could learn to put up with these.

1) Being a bit of a workaholic.

2) An extremely soft heart.

3) Vulgar taste in food.

4) An addiction to fast, foolish cars.

5) Preferring sleep to sex.

Eight things I love about you.

List 8 traits about your perfect partner, in no particular order.

1) Intelligent. I need someone I can really talk to, someone I can expect a thoughtful answer from in return. I need someone who knows how to fix things. I need someone who frequents libraries (and not just because of my kinky fantasies). Brilliance turns me on.

2) Attractive. To ME. (Anybody who says basic animal attraction doesn't matter is selling something.) If there's no lust on my part, there's no point to the relationship because I'm just going to get bored. I have fairly quirky tastes regarding men, so no worries. You don't have to look like a porn star. In fact, I prefer that you don't. Except perhaps in one regard. (Just kidding!)

3) Confident. Not arrogant. Not full of yourself. Not certain that you are amazing. In fact, I like a little vulnerability, a little doubt, because I enjoy lavishing ego boosts on my lover and I'd hate for his head to explode. I just ask that you're confident enough to be yourself, and let me be myself. And to let me see you naked.

4) Adoring. I crave affection. I want love and attention, I want you to make me feel special even in public, I want praise and flattery (so long as you mean it), I want you to look at me like I'm the only person in the world. Believe me, you'll get plenty of the same in return.

5) Humorous. Gentle teasing, inside jokes, and playful banter a must.

6) Passionate. About SOMEthing. It'll make you all the more interesting. And, of course, passionate about me. I want to be ravished. I want to be touched, everywhere, any time. I want your gaze to burn me up. I want your voice to send shivers down my spine. I want you to want me. I want to turn you on--and I need you to tell me that I do. I want evidence. I want enthusiasm. I want experimentation. I want you to desire me so much you can barely stand it. I want you to want to please me. Follow through. Get me to be vocal. If it's not too much trouble, make some noise of your own.

7) Honest. Just..don't lie to me. Win my trust and deserve to keep it. Trust me in return.

8) Sweet. Be gentle, be patient, be understanding. Take care of me. Treat me nicely. All I really want is unconditional love on your part. It's really not that much to ask.

Les levres.

They need kissing.

Planning.

Someday, I want to have a lot of sex, and I don't want to rely on condoms alone. (Currently I don't have "real" sex. I'm waiting, for various reasons.)

My options are pretty broad, but I'm looking for something "foolproof," like the Pill. I'm worried about the potential side effects though (loss of libido, weight gain, blood clots), so maybe I should look elsewhere...

This site has a whole list of contraceptives, and pros and cons. Right now injections or hormonal implants seem to be the best option besides the Pill (especially Norplant® Implanon, although it's not available in the U.S.). Of course, those also have nasty cons.

What are your thoughts? Feedback would be great.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

The intern just walked by on his way out of the office.

"When do you get off?" he asked.

"Four-thirty," I answered.

(I should have said, "Hardly ever.")

The seven deadlies.

Surprise, surprise.

Dream, when you're feeling blue..

Thank you, Roy Orbison.

Mm, I'm posting a lot today. It being a Friday, I have so little to do, and so much to think about.

Currently on my mind is the last night I spent with The Boyfriend. Certainly a bittersweet time--it was the day of my high school graduation, but also the last day I'd see him before he moved away. Luckily, he got to spend the night, and we drank champagne and ate strawberries and Godiva chocolate. Yum.

We enjoyed each other's company as usual, with an extremely hot make out session, a great deal of fondling, and fantastic oral. Perhaps we were a little more passionate than normal (although we're always pretty damn passionate) since we felt (or at least I did) that we needed to drink our nine month relationship in deeply before it was put on a long hiatus. We stayed up until at least two in the morning, and finally went to bed.

Until he was apparently awoken by me at three-ish, fondling him in my sleep. To most men this would be a turn-on in and of itself, but because The Boyfriend has a thing about me being asleep anyway, it was even better.

So (according to him) I was just playing with him, not doing anything too serious, until I guess he made some noise and I opened my eyes and said, "Everything all right?," then closed them again and turned on "the magic," as he referred to it. He has no idea what I was doing, and neither do I, but he eventually had to stop me because he was close and didn't want to make a mess of the sheets. So he calmed down a bit, rolled over and whispered in my ear, "Finish me," putting my hand on his extremely hard erection at the same time. That definitely woke me up. Sadly I lost all of my prowess...maybe I have an amazing alter-ego who gives great hand jobs while I'm asleep. Damn.

Phrase of the day.

Opting for sexy Swedish this time.

Och vilket språk använder ni i sängkammaren?

means

And what language do you use in bed?

Love notes.

Lots of time on my hands = a wandering mind.

A note to The Boyfriend (currently on the road somewhere between Monkey Island, Oklahoma and Branson, Missouri):

It's really not fair, me getting this horny at work. Is it just boredom, or the close proximity to desks and chairs and copy machines (all perfect places for sex)? I don't know.

I've got this short-ish black skirt on and nothing underneath, and I have to resist the urge to touch myself, run my hands up my thighs and move my fingers inside of me, like you used to do.

I really want your face between my legs, under my skirt; I want to feel the heat of your breath there, your kisses, your tongue on and in me. I want to buck up against you and force you deeper. I want you to make me moan. I am throbbing with desire right now.


I want to rest my head on your thigh, stroke my favorite spot [Trail to Treasure], nuzzle my face in that silky hair, and breathe in your perfect scent [it's like horses]. And then I want you in my mouth..I miss the singular texture of you--hard cock beneath velvety skin, veins and corona and frenulum and the ridge of the head. So much for my tongue to explore and delight in, especially the oddly delicious contrast of sweet and salty.

Don't you want to be inside me right now? I think of us taking it slow and rocking our way to mutual orgasm.

I adore every bit of you.


I admit that I'm trying to get a rise out of him, however far away he may be. It's really not all that kind of me, is it?


Aha, he repliiiied:

" Oh my God.



That's really most of what I can say about that!

And yes..........God yes.







Yes."

Don't go breaking my heart.

Babeland's Mini Heartbreaker.

"The no-nonsense Mini Heartbreaker gets right to the point: G-spot stimulation and multi-speed push-button vibration in a slim, portable, waterproof package. If you like your vibes sturdy, straightforward, and efficient, the red-hot Mini Heartbreaker won't go breaking your heart."

I finally bought a new one.

I've got a little finger-sized Fukuoku 9000, and it's served me well for the most part, but watch batteries are expensive and "Sam" (as the tiny vibe has been dubbed) doesn't like the water.

So I splurged on one that does.

I'm hoping this one lives up to its description. I've never used a G-spot stimulating vibe; I tend to get my kicks via the clitoris. But I'm ready to try something new.